Riverwalk

Today I decided to go for a drive because I couldn't sleep, and I wanted to just get out of the house and stop making the noise that was preventing Shayne from sleeping. I didn't really know where I was going, but I thought I might drive up the canyon a ways and take a stroll by the river. So I started up the canyon and marveled at the water. It had nearly washed out my favorite walk, so I kept driving. After awhile, I had gone quite a ways. I noticed a little turnout, so I pulled over and got out to take my stroll.

I didn't go far. I have a cold right now and I deplore strenuous exercise when I have a respiratory infection. Do I think I'm going to suffer a collapsed lung and suffocate? I don't know. But I opted to amble very slowly, just enjoying the sound of the water and the smell of the air, and the sunshine that somehow felt gentle and soothing instead of oppressive. I was enjoying my stroll quite a bit when I glanced back at my car and thought about how much I liked it.

I like my tiny blue car, I thought. It looked pleasantly shiny in the sunlight.

And that's when it happened: I was overcome by the absolute certainty that when I went back to my car, it was not going to start.

There was no actual precedent for this thought. My car had never actually failed to start in the entire year-and-a-half it had been in my possession, not even in the dead of winter when I had forgotten to give it antifreeze. But I just knew it wouldn't start when I turned the key.

I patted the pocket where I normally kept my phone, and of course it was empty. I pondered -- I hadn't woken Shayne up to tell him where I was going. Really, when I left the house, I didn't know where I was going either. So I didn't have my phone and nobody knew where I was.

I considered my situation again. I was right next to the road, and even though it wasn't busy, cars were coming by every couple of minutes. If I tried hard enough, I could flag someone down and ask to use their phone. Eventually someone would let me. But what if they didn't get reception up here? Did I dare ask for a ride?

I decided to get back into my car to think about it further, and while I was there I thought I would try to start it up, just in case. And of course, after my near panic, it felt very anticlimactic when the engine turned over smooth as cream and the music came on right where it had left off.

Well, then. That was a very nice walk, I thought as I drove away.

Gazpacho vs. Gestapo

Shayne: "I put all the vegetables in the blender and then put them in a pot. Do you want some? It's like Gestapo. That soup."

Me: "Um, no...see, Gestapo is Nazi police. Gazpacho, on the other hand, is a Spanish vegetable soup that's traditionally served cold."

Shayne: "Oh. And I'm cooking it, so it's not even cold. Do you want some?"

Me: "No, thanks. The peppers were moldy. I can't eat them."

Shayne: "But I'm cooking them. Doesn't that make a difference?"

Me: "I don't want to risk it. I'm already sick." *Tuberculosis-like coughing fit*

Shayne: "Hey! Nobody gave you permission to die. You should eat tons of garlic. It will make you better. You should make garlic tea."

Me: "Yeah. That will help my social life. No, I don't want to stink."

Shayne: "But it will make you better. You've been sick forever. You should eat a bulb of garlic. Maybe there's a recipe online for garlic tea that you would like."

Me: "I don't wanna. I'll smell like rotting garlic."

Shayne: "Well too bad. You need to get better."

Me: "Can't I just have some gazpacho?"

Shayne: *Guffaws* "Don't you mean Gestapo? I'm sure Gestapo would be much yummier."

Me: "No! Remember that lady I used to work with, the nutritionist? She gave me a recipe for V8 gazpacho where you just blend the V8 with some other veggies and four cloves of garlic. I would much rather do that."

Shayne: "But that's hardly any garlic. You need more than that. You should eat the whole bulb."

Me: "I don't want to."

Shayne: "Then you can kill everyone with your stench."

Me: "No. I told you, when I eat raw garlic it gives me really stinky gas."

Shayne: "And you can set off the carbon monoxide detector with your gas. It will say, 'gross! You stink! Come on!'"

Me: "I'd rather not."

Shayne: "It'll be fun."

Me: "No. It won't."

Shayne: "It will."

Me: "No. Really, it won't."

Shayne: "Hey! You could put a whole bulb of garlic in the gazpacho and then eat it with the Gestapo. Isn't that a good idea?"

Me: *Facepalm*