Cute Blindness (Baby Specific)

I'm pretty sure I have a previously undiscovered vision problem that I will call cute blindness (baby specific), hereafter referred to as CB(BS). It works the same way as color blindness, but I lack the ability to see certain forms of cute. Just like some people are red/green colorblind, I can't see the cuteness of babies. Like, at all. AT ALL, at all.

Now that I'm at an age where my old college and high school acquaintances are building big Mormon families and posting lots of pics on facebook, I truly believe my cute blindness is becoming even more...acute. An old roommate posts a pic of her new offspring, and her friends all gather around to ooh and aah and proclaim this child to be the most adorable possible minihuman in the history of the universe. The baby looks like this:



But I'm unable to see the cuteness. Instead, the optic information that gets relayed to my brain is this:



Yeah. Not kidding. Really, I would love to understand what the fuss is about. I'd love to think it's just totes adorbs when a baby screws up its wrinkly old lady face and opens its toothless old lady mouth and starts screaming. Instead, I see Mama from that awesome movie entitled Throw Mama From The Train.

What makes it weird is that I'm not completely cute blind. I mean, I can totally dig some cuteness like this:



I mean, look at that. The kitten is wearing a scoodie! Can more cuteness possibly be infused into one picture? Here, let's try:



So, my point is that even though I know I'm supposed to coo over these baby pictures I see in my newsfeed, I just don't know how. And I could type the empty words, but false praise horrifies me. So the best I can do is to say nothing. Because I suspect that after spending thirty-six hours in grueling labor, no mom wants to hear me say, "Hey, your larva looks just like an unhappy old Jewish lady!"

And I think that's something we can all agree on.